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$1​.​88​/​lb.

by Tedward

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1.
Toilet 00:08
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2.
Hide the Nachos 01:43
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3.
Kidney Pain Car Wash 02:07
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4.
Lyndon Johnson Presidential Fornicatorium 02:06
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5.
Steak Disaster 01:57
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6.
Grapefruit Party 03:05
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7.
Dave Grohl's 4th Annual Chili Cook-Off 03:24
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8.
Cloaca Enhancement Pills 01:24
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9.
Rejected Yum! Brands Anthem 04:23
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10.
The Grand Finale 02:30
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about

this album was made after Tedward upgraded to a new MacBook Air, forcing them to use the new GarageBand, which is way less user-friendly and sucks. ironically, this resulted in a much more "polished" or "smooth"-sounding record, free of the iconic effects-laden fuckery that has graced so many T-ward records up to this point.

lyrics:

KIDNEY PAIN CAR WASH
looks like im here again
exchanging my kidneys for japanese yen
in front of all these japanese men
this boy’s no older than japanese ten
he takes my organs puts em in the jar
but he doesn't make it very far
before hes clubbed in the head with a big iron bar
in front of the tavern the Big Iron Bar

STEAK DISASTER
they left the steak out on the balcony
there'll be no steak left for the president
but the inauguration was just hours away
and the president needed red meat to surviii-ive
ooooh, what were they to do

CLOACA ENHANCEMENT PILLS
its 3 am and im lookin for a thrill
think i might order up some online pills
thing is, i been sayin i got a fine cloaca
ever since my vacay to jamaica
back in 2010, but the hard truth is
mine’s barely fit for me to take a whiz
out of, let alone have any avian sex
and as anyone will tell you, birds fuck the best
now hear me, i gotta get in on that action
but these pills! i can only pay a fraction
of the cost i need to get these damn enhancement drugs
and i already lost my kneecaps to some thugs
so no more loan sharks! i gotta do this on my own
figure i might finally sell my golden comb
i dont know why i keep it, its not effective
but it might have some value for a comb collector
so i plop it on ebay and whaddya know
some schmuck in schenectady is down to blow
a HUGE wad of cash on my hair groomin’ product
a fool and his money are very soon parted
so i sell the guy the thing and he don’t cry foul
long story short, i just fucked an owl
word

credits

released July 8, 2014

Tedward- GarageBand 10(!!!), vocals, weird noises

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Tedward

Tedward the musician is not to be confused with fire-performing legend Tedward LeCouteur.

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